I am driven crazy by my unability to sleep, and the search for the perfect web host. I love blogdrive, but I don't want to renew my account when it expires. So I'm looking in vain for something with somewhat the same features at no cost. Yeah good luck to me....

I am so flabergastedly happy! My good friend from work decided to invite me to her wedding! She kept telling me she was only inviting a very few friends and some family not even her entire family! So that she invited after only knowing me for 9 months really truly suprises me.

So now I get to shop for ideas for her wedding gift and it will have to be something very unique and that both of them can use or stare at, wether it’s utilatarian or decorative. Any ideas? Please comment! We had such a busy day, retail is a lot of fun during the Xmas madness, or incredibly frustrating however you choose to look at it. But for the majority people are still cheerful and still willing to negotiate and wait with patience. I give them another 2 weeks. Jingle bells….., jingle bells…….., get the hell out of my way!!!! Ah the things we do for our loved ones, walk all over some poor shop clerks and yell at your fellow customers, finger the driver who just cut you off because they just HAVE to get the special edition action figure RIGHT friggin’ NOW! Oh the peace, ah the joy, not really on earth is it?
But for now, we still get smiles and appreciation, even some pats on the backs. I so love my job….

I am looking for a roomate still. I am getting edgy in fact I do beleive I will design posters today to post up at the college. This is cause for major stress at the moment and I can't wait until I've got this figured out. My child is playing in her room, she is so happy and unawares that things have changed between her father and I. That soon we will be mainly on our own, although he will always be there for her and will continue to help me for some years.

My poor love, I hope he will be better and that this opportunity to work out of this town will teach him and heal his wounds. Be strong, love will come to you again.

Ah! The stress of envionsioning the future of my next 6 months is reminiscent of all the nightmares that have been plaguing me in the last 6 months. I guess I'm coming full circle and they are all coming to reality.

Truly that sucks some big bag of pure ass. Oddly enough my work has not been affected, in fact you could say I've been getting better and building a reputation for myself, a good one, for once. I'll be getting keys, meaning I'm next in line for Manager In Training (MIT). That's swell, at least the paycheck will be. Having to survive by any means possible is changing me. A year ago this would have been paralyzingly terrorising. Today, I can only go forwards, and still try to forge on for my dreams.

At least I would have known that even though I haven't succeeded at making some of my childhood dreams come true, I tried and found new ones along the way. And for once this doesn't even sound like a hill of bullshit.

I never really understood this day when I was in elementary school. And I understand it even less. I do mourn for those who have died for the sake of peace, to end useless, pointless suffering. And yet, look around the world a bit and you'll see we still have such a long way to go. With the war in the middle east raging still (although the media coverage has lessened quite a bit...), and many others we have no notice of as we have little use for their reasons or existance in our daily selfish lives...
So then? What's the point of remembering something; a worthy powerful cause, that has never been completely resolved. Now we wage war under the guise of peace! How ignoble! How grotesque! Why don't more people see this? I now view this 11th of the 11th month as a parody, a joke that our leaders like to use to fool us, to blind their people, or at least most of them.

Yes people have died, courageous strong souls, but hey guess what? Many still are, and many more who have never known peace at all. Think on that.

I'm in dire need of a roomate as I don't want to move out of my home, that is my ultra comfy appartment. I'm very much established here and what's more I'm sick of moving. My ex spouse is moving to a small city nearby to start a new career, great for him, great for both of us. Distance will permit us to move forward and go on with life whithout each other as lovers. Although forever partners family wise. I wish my dear best friend would be more reliable and ready to stand up for what she wants. But she stills gets easily persuaded by her family, experts at guilt tripping. Ugh! I am still secure that this will remain my own and someone suitable will join me. Secretly I'd hope for a cute male friend, but that's probably not such a great idea... But I can keep my wishes in my hottest sweatiest dreams..

I realize you'll probably delete this on sight. But I did want to let you know nothing I said was meant to hurt you.

I do understand your reaction, I've done the same faced with these seeming accusations, even though people just wanted to help me. I really do want you to realize certain things, you do need to dig deeper in your depression, and to know that you have value simply because of who you are, and not because you are any better or worse than anyone else.

I may have been angry when I last replied, but I am allowed to express anger and I thought you should know. As my friend I would have hoped you would have been understanding or forgiving.

But you may not be able to be so right now. Maybe even never...

Goodbye, I wish your last words hadn't been so painful, but I did hurt you, even if it wasn't the intention. Should I send this? I will, of course I will. But I'll preserve it too, to remind me why we don't speak and why I can't contact you again.

I guess this is more for me than for you. Unless you do read this...

We hurt those we love, and sometimes we smack the truth on them to try to save them, because we love them so. You don't want any of this, but didn't you crave it?

I'll try to 'send' someone else that may be more successful than I could be. Even though you'd refuse my attention, my pain, my cares I'll still be with you. I can't escape it.

May light find you.

I cannot begin to say how sadly disapointed in your love I am. You cannot face the truths of yourself and when I call you on it, you slash me to pieces with words and refuse to ever see me again or reply to any more messages.

I spoke truth and obviously your mind knows, but it rebels against it and now you've shut me out again. I've come to the decision that I am quite done with you. I am shutting the door of my heart on both you and my other love. It's time to open myself to possibilities I haven't encountered yet.

I often wonder what the point of living is when there's a cost to it. How can anyone put a price on your basic right to live? But that is why they educate us, to make sure we can make a living and contribute to this grand tribe. However corrupt it is, it is still our way of living, and one can only change it by being an active part of it. It took me many years to understand this, even after so many tried make me see. Now I understand, and I hope against your wish of dying, fleeing, that you come to this same conclusion.